它活了！
It's alive!
约什：你知道住在
Yoshi: You know the thing about living
热带岛屿天堂的好处吗？
on a tropical island paradise?
你被四周的美景分散了注意力，
You get so distracted looking at all the beauty,
忘记了要照顾好自己。
you forget to look out for yourself.
等等！马里奥！你怎么样？！
Wait! Mario! What about me?!
但现在我看清楚了。
But now I see clearly.
我不知道你做了什么惹恼了这家伙，
I don't know what-a you did to piss-a this guy off,
但现在他来追杀我们俩了！
but-a now he's-a comin' after a-both of us!
嘿，一只小恐龙能做什么呢，对吧？
Hey, what's-a one-a little dinosaur-a gonna do, eh?
哼！
Hunh!
啊！哇！
Aah! - Yah!
啊！
Aah!
啊！
Ah!
现在我们完蛋了，兄弟！
Now we're fuckin' a-dead, bro!
来吧，你这个混蛋。
Let's-a go, mother-a-fucker.
也许我们可以谈谈交易，嗯？
Maybe we can make a deal-a, huh?
约什： 去死，婊子！啊！
Yoshi: Die, bitch! Aah!
你会为此付出代价的。
You are gonna pay-a for that-a.
火球！火球！
Fireball! Fireball!
哈！火球扔！
Ha! Fireball toss!
约什，不！
Yoshi, no!
我从小就认识你了。
I've known you since I was a baby.
你那时就是个混蛋…
You were a piece of shit then...
…现在更是个大混蛋了。
...and you are a bigger piece of shit now.
滚开！
Fuck right off!
啊！
Aah!
是时候让世界认识一个新的约什了。
Time to welcome the world to a new Yoshi.
一个全新的我。
A new me.
约什岛！
Yoshi's Island!
在你离开这个岛后，查克·诺兰从联邦快递
After you got off the island, Chuck Noland received
赚到了数百万。
millions from FedEx.
你要求一半，对吗？
You're asking for half, correct?
我只是想要我认为公平的份额。
I just want what I think is fair.
呃！我无法相信特雷弗把我甩了。
Ugh! I can't believe Trevor ghosted me.
尽管他非常认真地留起了辫子，
Even though he grew a rattail nonironically,
我再也不会爱了！
I'll never love again!
你被一个阴道-特灵
You've been possessed
附身了！
by a peen-tergeist!
什么？！
A what?!
嗨，我是坦吉娜·巴伦斯，灵异专家。
Hi, I'm Tangina Barrons, poltergeist expert.
你的女性部位被他的尿管精神劫持了
Your lady bits have been taken hostage
你需要进行一次阴道驱魔！
by the spirit of his whiz tube.
是的！是的！
Your need to perform a vag-orcism!
继续向光前进！
Yes! Yes!
保持向光前进！
Keep on towards the light!
我不需要假装喜欢
I don't need to pretend to like
喜欢冯·特里尔的电影了。
Lars von Trier films anymore.
这个阴道是干净的。
This cooch is clean.
但他去哪了？
But where did he go?
进入我的阴道了！
Into my cooch!
你是什么意思，你不给小费？
What do you mean, you don't tip?
我的意思是，我不给小费。
I mean, I don't tip.
哔。- 哇！
Boop. - Whoa!
啊！
Ah!
是的，从技术上讲你给了小费——你只是没倒下。
Yeah, technically you tip -- you just don't fall over.
女士们，我们能找到一种相处的方式吗？
Ladies, can't we all find a way to get along?
你给我传染了衣原体！
You gave me chlamydia!
- 我也是。- 我也是！- 两次。
- Me too. - And me! - Twice.
此外，衣原体的细菌然后上移
Also, bacteria from the chlamydia then moved up
到我的子宫颈给我造成了PID！
to my cervix and gave me PID!
盆腔炎！
Pelvic inflammatory disease!
当阴道没有得到治疗时就会发生这种情况。
That's what happens when the clam is left untreated.
女士们，我们说好这是团队合作的一轮吗？
Ladies, what do you say we make this a team round?
我从不会拒绝同时和三个女人在一起——
I'd never turn down three women at once --
哎哟！
Oww!
来吧，姑娘们。他不值得。
Come on, girls. He is not worth it.
我们去拿药方吧。
Let's go pick up our prescription.
邦德：哦，詹姆斯，你这个流氓！
Bond: Oho, James, you dog!
等等。这意味着我得了衣原体。
Wait. That means I have chlamydia.
我的约会说他会在20分钟前到这里。
My date said he'd be here 20 minutes ago.
啊！- 啊啊。
Ack! - Ack, ack.
你也被放鸽子了吗？
Did you get stood up, too?
啊！
Ack!
啊啊！啊啊啊。
Ack, ack! Ack, ack.
我很乐意和你一起吃饭。
I'd love to eat with you.
啊！
Ack!
啊！啊！- 啊啊啊啊！
Ack! Ack! - Ack ack ack!
是的！啊！
Yes! Ack!
是的！啊！- 啊啊啊啊！
Yes! Ack! - Ack ack aaack!
你愿意娶这个女人为妻吗？
Do you take this woman to be your wife?
啊！
Ack!
我会把那当作是“我愿意”。
I'll, uh, take that as an "I do."
哦，我的天！
Oh, my God!
啊啊啊！啊啊啊啊啊！
Ack ack ack! Ack ack ack ack!
啊啊啊！
Ack ack ack!
你必须返回你的母星吗？
You have to return to your home planet?
但我们结婚了！啊！
But we're married! Ack!
救命！啊！
Save me! Aah!
啊啊啊！
Ack ack ack!
啊啊啊啊啊！
Aaa-aa-aa-ck!
蛋糕是唯一一个永远不会离开我的男人。
Cake is the only man that will never leave me.
哦啊啊嗯嗯！
Ohh ahhh mmph!
哦，不。哦，天哪。
Oh, no. Oh, God.
旁白：本周在《我的奇怪瘾》中，
Narrator: This week on "My Strange Addiction,"
见见大象艾尔芬。
meet Elefun the elephant.
是的，宝贝！那才是东西！
Yeah, baby! That's the stuff!
最初是一个派对把戏
What started out as a party trick
演变成了一种蝴蝶习惯
turned into a butterfly habit
艾尔芬无法摆脱。
that Elefun couldn't kick.
让我们尽情狂欢吧！
Let's fuckin' rave!
哦！哦！
Oh! Oh!
哦哦！
Ohhh!
- 艾尔芬。艾尔芬！- 哇！
- Elefun. Elefun! - Whoa!
艾尔芬，已经很晚了。
Elefun, it's late.
我们该回家了。你要离开我？！
We have to go home. You're leaving me?!
试试这玩意儿！
Try some of this shit!
我不要！来吧，试试！
I don't want it! Try it! Come on!
我不要！
I don't want!
感觉怎么样，对吧？我不要！
It's trippy, right? I don't want it!
孩子？
Kid?
孩子！
Kid!
下周…
Next week...
这个相互依赖的河马家庭
this family of codependent hippos
会助长一种奇怪的强迫症。
enable a bizarre compulsion.
女士：哦，我的生命已经快结束了，
Woman: Oh, my life is almost spent,
而我还有那么多事要做。
and I had so much more to do.
我回来了，婊子们！
And I'm back, bitches!
轰！我把糖果全部打败了！
Boom! Crushed that candy!
啊，但我需要一个棒棒糖锤子来完成这一关。
Aw, but I need a lollipop hammer to finish the level.
为什么不进行应用内购买呢？
Why not make an in-app purchase?
只需1。99美元。
It's only $1.99.
我对自己保证不会在这个游戏上花钱。
I promised myself I wouldn't spend any money on this game.
这只是一次性的，贝丝。
It's a one-time thing, Beth.
贝丝，我回来了--哦，天啊！
Beth, I'm home -- Oh, my God!
我需要额外的金条！
I need extra gold bars!
我也需要一条额外的生命！
And I need an extra life!
贝丝，你花了--
Beth, you spent --
你在糖果粉碎传奇上花了1500美元？！- 啊！耶！
you spent $1,500 on Candy Crush?! - Aah! Yah!
我们还有抵押贷款！
We have a mortgage!
她现在是我的了。
She's mine now.
蜘蛛式爬行时间！
Spider-walk time!
基督的力量驱使你。
The power of Christ compels you.
你也一样。
You're one to talk.
上个月你把教会的所有收款
You spent all of the church's collection last month
都花在宝可梦Go上了。
on Pokémon Go supplies.
你必须要把它们全部抓到，对吗？
You have to catch 'em all, right?
你不明白，恶魔--
You don't understand, demon --
是买一送一。
was buy one, get one free.
在宝可梦Go上也有买一送一。
It was BOGO on the POGO.
我有严重的FOMO！
I had serious FOMO!
你现在是我的了，神父！
You're mind now, priesty!
张开嘴！
Open your mouth!
今天不行，可恶的恶魔！
Not today, vile demon!
无私的牺牲！
Selfless sacrifice!
砰！
Splat!
你做到了！哦，天啊，结束了！
You did it! Oh, God, it's over!
结束了！我的天，结束了。
It's over! My, God, it's over.
谁想玩部落冲突？
Anyone wanna play Clash of Clans?
我想。
I do.
曼森先生，你想让我相信
Mr. Manson, you would have me believe
你没有参与泰特-拉比安卡谋杀案。
that you did not commit the Tate-LaBianca murders.
我告诉你，伙计，那不是我干的。
I'm telling you, man, it was not me.
我，庞塞-德-利昂，终于找到了青春之泉。
I, Ponce de Léon, have finally found the Fountain of Youth.
先生们，只有一名盟军飞行员
Men, only a single Allied pilot
曾与红男爵遭遇并生还。
has survived an encounter with the Red Baron.
让我们欢迎美国一战飞王--
Meet America's World War I Flying Ace --
你说“一个”？…斯诺比上尉！
Did you say "one"? ...Captain Snoopy!
呸！
Blah!
先生，这个，呃…
Sir, that's, uh...
是的，那是只狗。
Yeah, that's a dog.
那就是一战飞王，你这个笨蛋！
That is the World War I Flying Ace, dumb shit!
你要听从他口中的每一句话！
And you will heed every single word out of his mouth!
这就是你们的新飞机。
These are your new aircraft.
我们不知道它们是怎么运作的，但我们看到飞王
No idea how they work, but we've seen the Ace fly one,
驾驶过一架，而且只需要3美元的废木头！
and they only cost about $3 in scrap wood!
好样的！- 是的，长官！
Hoo-yah! - Sir!
这些是狗窝，长官！
These are doghouses, sir!
它们是飞机，士兵！
They're aircraft, soldier!
现在上飞机！
Now mount up!
哦-啊！
Oh-ah!
这一点也说不通。- 哎哟。
This shit doesn't make any sense. - Ow.
长官？控制装置在哪里？
Uh, sir? Where are the controls?
当你想尿尿的时候，你是不是也要问你妈妈
Did you have to ask your mama where your dick was
你的鸡巴在哪里，水手？！
when you wanted to piss, sailor?!
- 这肯定行不通…- 呃，呃…
- There's no way that's gonna... - Um, uh...
- 哦，糟了。- 啊，行了。
- Oh, shit. - Ah, that worked.
哦-哦-哦-哦！
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
哦，我的天，它们真的飞起来了！
Oh, my God, they work!
我们在飞！
We're flying!
但座位的尖角真的很扎我的屁股。
But the peak is really riding up into my crack.
啊！他们也应该包括安全带！
Aah! They also should have included seat belts!
哇！嘿！
Whoa! Hey!
我对这些东西没有翅膀没什么意见，
I'm cool with these things not having wings,
但如果有风挡就更好了。
but I'd feel better if we had windshields.
啊，他妈的--啊，哇，哇，哇，哇！
Ah, what the f-- Ah, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
啊啊啊！
Aaaaah!
那个混蛋真的在做了！
That son of a bitch is actually doing it!
我们需要更多海军陆战队员！
We're gonna need more Marines!
也许还需要一些安全带。
And maybe some seat belts.
红男爵正在率领一支战机
The Red Baron is leading a squadron
向盟军领土进攻。
toward Allied territory.
现在上去- 给他们一点教训！
Now get up there - and show 'em what we got!
- 飞向天空！- 让我们驾驶这些狗窝！
- To the sky! - Let's fly these doghouses!
哇！- 是的，长官！
Bwah! - Sir, yes, sir!
不管他刚才说了什么。
Whatever the fuck he just said.
那是猫吗？
Are those cats?!
他们是怎么训练猫来驾驶飞机的？
How did they train cats to fly airplanes?
战争真是地狱！
War is hell!
早安，斯诺比先生！
Guten morgen, Herr Snoopy!
狗斗已经过时了，所以我想，
Dogfights are overrated, so I thought,
为什么不改成猫斗呢？
why not switch to a catfight?
啊！
Aah!
哦，是的。
Aw, yeah.
把那只猫放在那里。
Keep that pussy right there.
啊，啊！它在我嘴里！
Aah, aah! It's in my mouth!
啊！
Aah!
哇！
Whoo!
你想要一根黄瓜吗？
Can I interest you in a cucumber?
哈哈！我抓到你了。
Ha-ha! I've got you now.
呃…- 没人告诉我们怎么开枪！
Uh... - No one told us how to shoot!
我中弹了！
I'm hit!
激光笔要再60年后才会发明，
The laser pointer won't be invented for another 60 years,
所以只能用这个凑合了。
so this will have to do.
该死的猫！
Stupid cats!
哈哈哈哈！
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
看来是时候小睡一会儿了。
Looks like it's time for a catnap.
哇！
Bwah!
再见了，愚蠢的狗。
Auf weidersehen, dummer hund.
呃！啊！
Ugh! Aah!
医生！拿热水来！
Doctor! Get the hot water!
拿消毒剂！
Get the disinfectant!
拿碘酒！
Get the iodine!
啊！
Aah!
啊啊啊啊啊！
Aaaaaaah!